...you don't wanna tell her.
That's why you're picking on poor Adam. Any excuse will do.
Now, don't you start that, Ellen.
I'm sorry, but you can't blame me after hearing about Burkett.
You'd always think the worst of me.
- Well, where is he now? - Who?
- You know who I'm talking about! - Oh, Adam.
Adam.
Jealous of poor Adam.
Gentle, harmless Adam.
- He lives at the YMCA. - The YMCA?
He always lives at the YMCA. He's a clean-living, upright, 100% American...
...and a gentleman. Is there anything more you'd like to know?
- Yes. When do I meet him? - When do you tell her?
- Good night. - Good night.
Adam.
- Nick! Where are you going now? - To the YMCA.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
No, not Durkett, Burkett! B, like...
All right, I'll hold on.
Oh, he's not there? Thanks.
- Good morning, Miss Rosenthal. - Morning, sir.
Look, I want you to find a Stephen Burkett.
Drop everything else. It's very important. I've called all the hotels.
Call the country clubs, the men's clubs, the athletic clubs.
- The YMCA? - No!
- I tried that. They've never heard of him. - Yes, sir.
Mr. Burkett's room, please.
Oh, he's not?
Well, will you try paging him, please?
Paging Mr. Burkett!
- Mr. Burkett! - Right here, son!
- Mr. Burkett. Call for you, sir. - All right.
Hello?
- Nobody on this line, son. - I'm sorry, sir.
Thanks, but they'll probably call again.
Well, I feel it's about time for a dip.
- Yes, it is. - No, it isn't.
- Ask that young man. - All right.
Ask him.
- Young man, is that Johnny Weissmuller? - No, I wish it were.
Are you sure that isn't the left shoe?
Well, if you...
- Are you sure you wear fours? - Well, maybe I don't anymore.
I've been running around with my shoes off for quite some time.
Sort of running wild.
There you are. How's that?
- What do you do at lunchtime? - Have lunch.
Well, do you think you could skip it today if I made it worth your while?
Yes.
Well, meet me out in front in 15 minutes.
Oh, no, no. No, you don't understand.
It's...
Well, I'll explain the whole thing later.
Yes, Joe? What were you saying?
Yes, I know. I covered every...
Yeah. I'm sorry, Joe.
Yes, that's...
Well, no, no. Here's how I interpret the clause...
Joe, I'll have to call you back.
A Miss Wagstaff to see you, sir.
- Oh, send her in. - Yes, sir.
Hello!
I hope I'm not interrupting anything important.
No, no, no.
Oh, Nick, I'm sorry about last night. Really, I am.
You had a right to be suspicious.
- Do you have a little time to spare now? - Why?
Well, I thought if you had a little time, I'd like you to meet Mr. Burkett.
He's right outside.
Well, have him come in.
I thought we'd better get this thing settled once and for all.
Stephen!
Stephen, this is Nick.
So this is Mr. Burkett?
This is a pleasure, Mr. Arden. I've heard so much about you.
That's good. Now, sit down, Adam.
Thank you.
I haven't very much time.
- You were about to say something? - Oh, yes.
Yes. I'm on my way to the Geographic Society for a very important meeting.
I'm making a report of the flora and fauna we found on the island.
I was greatly fascinated by the vegetation on the island.
I'm afraid I spent so much time on research that...
...well, I wasn't very good company for your wife.
Eve said that you had some questions you wanted to ask me, Mr. Arden.
Yes, he has.
Ask him. Ask him anything.
Well...
Now, while you were on the island...
- I'm awfully bad at names, Mr...? - Burkett. Stephen J. Burkett.
Oh, yes, thank you.
Incidentally, I was awfully sorry to hear about your accident.
- I beg your pardon? - I was simply asking him about his accident.
Oh, my leg is fine now.
- Well, I'd better run along, Eve. Shall I? - Must you?
The Geographic Society insists on punctuality.
- Goodbye, Mr. Arden. - Bye. I'm glad you came up.
- It was very enlightening. - Thank you.
- Goodbye, Eve. - Goodbye, Adam.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Satisfied? - Yes.
Don't. I told you there was nothing to it.
Oh, well, you know.
Feel better now?
- How about some lunch? - Love it.
Would you?
- Pacific Club? - Good!
- Sherry? - Yeah, please.
- Martini? - Yes. Thank you.
I tell you, let's drink to...
...no more suspicions.
No more suspicions.
If married people can't be honest with each other, who can?
- After all... - Exactly.
What are you staring at, darling?
- What's the matter? - I dropped my gloves.
- No, you didn't. They're on the table. - No, I don't think so. I...
Hello, Eve. I thought I saw you down here.
- Page, bring my robe, will you, please? - Yes, sir.
- I'm delighted to see you, Eve. - Won't you present me?
Well...
My name's Arden. I didn't catch yours.
Burkett's the name. Hasn't Eve told you...?
Burkett? Did you say Burkett?
- I said Burkett. - Here you are.
- How odd. - Thank you.
Well, Mr. Burkett, why don't you have lunch with us?
- Delighted. - Good.
- Waiter. - The inner man is crying for nourishment.
We'll order now, waiter.
I recommend turkey à la king. It's very delicious.
Ellen?
Something funny?
I was just thinking of the little man I dragged up to your office.
Turkey?
Turkey.
Does turkey appeal to you, or do you confine yourself to raw meat?
Never touch it. I'm strictly a vegetarian.
Bring me a glass of carrot juice, a milk shake and some carrots.
Yes, sir.
- Steak sandwich. We'll order dessert later. - Yes, sir.
My husband hasn't slept since he heard you were on the island with me.
He's arranged this meeting to trap us into a confession.
- Just a moment! - He's a very clever lawyer, so beware.
I'm gonna be very foxy myself.
I've got nothing to hide.
I know, but he has. You see, Nick's married again.
- No! - Yes!
That's wonderful! Congratulations, that's the best news I ever had.
Why? What is it to you?
Can't you see? lt simplifies everything.
Now I can come right out and tell you.
Tell me what?
Well, I... I'd like to marry Eve.
Oh, you would, would you?
I've known your wife seven years, and no man could ask for a better companion...
...a truer friend or a more charming playmate.
Thank you. Isn't he impulsive?
Impulsive? He's full of carrots.
If it's of any importance to you, I must, in all fairness, add...
...we've nothing to reproach ourselves for during those seven years.
No regrets?
So just make up your mind, old man.
- I'll make up my mind... - You're not allowed to have two wives.
I know, I know. Don't rush me.
What's your hurry? Your carrots aren't here yet.
Let me ask you, how long were you married before the island?
Four years. Why?
I was with her for seven. So I claim her on the basis of seniority.
Got you there.
- You've got nothing but a lot of... - If you gentlemen will excuse me...
...I think maybe you could thrash this out better without me.
Don't get up.
It might surprise you to know that I can get along without either one of you.
I'm perfectly able to take care of myself.
Hold your breath, Ellen!
Are you all right?
- Can I help you? - No!
How long will it take to get those dried and pressed?
Three or four hours at least, ma'am.
All right.
Three or four hours.
Wish there was some way I could get some things from home.
Well, I'm hungry. Think I'll order something.
What do you need? A hat and dress?
Room service, please.
Some shoes and stockings and...
Bring a couple of things. I'll pick one out.
Room service, this is Mr. Burkett.
I'd like to order lunch for two to be served in my room.
All right, I'll be right back.
And a plate of raw carrots. That's all.
- Back so soon? - Forget something, old man?
How would you like to come along with me?
Just for the ride, huh?
What are you laughing at?
Just thinking, after seven years, what's another half-hour?
- Go on, Stephen. - All right.
Have you your own car, or shall I call a cab?
Do you ride in cabs, or do you just trot alongside?
Goodbye, Eve.
I'll see you later.
What do you think it could be?
It is not at all unusual.
- Really? - There are hundreds of such cases.
Why, only last week, I heard of a case of a man...
Where have you been?
I have to get some clothes for a friend. He's downstairs in the car.
This is Dr. Kohlmar. He's going to help us.
- It's all right, he knows. - He knows what?
It's not at all unusual. There are hundreds of such cases.
It's been a pleasure, but if you'll excuse me, I'll go on with my packing.
You see, doctor? He just doesn't make sense.
Sometimes I think I'm going mad, stark staring mad.
Now, now, now. Not at all unusual.
The mood and pose is characteristic of the frustrated individual.
If I may make a suggestion.
- Yes, doctor? - You just rest.
I'll wander in on your husband casually and talk things over.
Please, doctor, I don't care what you do, but please do something.
There, there.
- You think it matches? - Oh, yes.
- Blue ought to go with blue? - Very becoming.
It's for a friend. He's waiting downstairs.
Oh, I see.
What's the matter with you?
Nick! Nick!
- Gotta go. - Where?
Supreme Court, part three. Most important case of my career.
Sorry, but I must ask you to stay.
- Can't let the client down. Grave charge. - I insist. I have to talk to you.
Look here, I don't really need you. I'll defend myself.
- You want to ruin my career? - No, Nick, I don't, but...
- Give me the law books. - Talk to Dr. Kohlmar for a few minutes!
- Wait a minute! - Goodbye, old man!
Now, what do you want? What do you both want?
Can't a man come home without being spied on?
We're trying to help. You want to lie down?
I don't want to lie down. I don't need a doctor. Go away.
- I've been trying to tell you. - Trying to tell me what?
I'm married!
Of course you are, dear.
My wife's not dead! She didn't drown! She fell in the pool! I was getting clothes.
That's when he thought that...
That fellow that was just here, you remember?
He was on the island with her.
- They're at the club, and I have to go. - I understand, dear.
No, you don't understand!
Now, listen carefully.
She came to the hotel. You remember the honeymoon?
Well, that's why...
My goodness, isn't it clear to you? Do I have to draw a diagram?
You need a long rest, Nick. Doesn't he, doctor?
- Mr. Arden? - Not now.
My wife, the mother of my children, Ellen Wagstaff...
- Mr. Arden? - What is it?
I've got a warrant for your arrest.
Arrest? You can't arrest me. What's the charge?
- Bigamy. - Bigamy?
Do you mind coming with us, Mr. Arden?
Now do you believe me?
- If Your Honor please, I was... - Quiet!
I don't know what you're doing here.
- Bigamy is a criminal offense. - I know, but I'm out on bail...
I don't care anything about the bail. This is a civil court.
What kind of a lawyer are you?
- Where did you go to school? - Harvard.
I'm a Yale man, myself. Are you the bride?
Yes, Your Honor.
- Kissless? - Yes, Your Honor.
Harvard man.
I see nothing wrong with my decision.
You presented your brief. The evidence is all here.
Yeah, it's all here. Teething and so forth.
You want me to reverse myself?
Now, you go to the Court of Appeals. They're always reversing me anyway.
Your Honor, I have a precedent for this case.
I cite the case of Mulligan v. Mulligan-Benson in the city of Fresno, 1 879.
How long do I have to stay and listen to this worm?
- Just a moment. - Go on.
Tell us what happened in Mulligan v. Mulligan-Benson.
Mrs. Mulligan returned after an absence of considerable length...
...to find that Mr. Mulligan had remarried.
Now, Mrs. Benson-Mulligan, the second wife...
It was a sort of a mulligan stew.
Quiet. I'll have no laughter in the courtroom.
When the first wife returned, the second wife immediately sued for annulment.
That left Mr. Mulligan, the husband, free to remarry the first wife, Mrs. Mulligan...
...or the second wife, Mrs. Benson-Mulligan, or rather Mulligan-Benson.
Don't stand there gawking. What did he do?
He died suddenly of cirrhosis of the liver.
They never did find whether he slept with his beard under or over the covers.
That'll cost you $25.
Just for a nice old joke?
You heard me, $25.
You can't do that, Your Honor. I'm legally dead.
- It's not nice to take money from a corpse. - That'll cost you $25 more.
That's 50 you owe me.
- You keeping track of this? - Yes.
See that you do.
But she is legally dead. You declared her legally dead yourself.
Your decision is on file.
- Did I do that? - Yes, Your Honor.
I did? Well, I'm going to declare her legally alive.
Then she can pay me that $50.
Will someone swear she's a live woman?
- I'll say she is, Your Honor. - But you can't do that.
If she's alive, I'm guilty of bigamy.
- Can you make anything out of this case? - Your Honor, it's all here.
I know it's there. I know the... I know the brief.
"Mulligan stew." Boy, that was a good one.
Who are you?
He was on the island. He's not important to this case.
I'll decide what's important to the case. What island?
The island where my wife stayed for seven years, Your Honor.
- They were on an island for seven years? - Yes, Your Honor.
- Not alone? - Yes.
- Same island? - Yes.
- Is that in the brief? - No.
That should be in the brief. That's the most interesting part of the case.
Yeah, not in the brief.
If Your Honor please...
I would like to leave before I explode.
I want to go home myself.
I'd like to tell my wife about this case. She thinks all my cases are dull.
Well, it seems to me the only thing I can do is annul the second marriage...
...so you can marry this woman.
I don't know what you're going to do about him.
I haven't had time to think that out.
I wanna tell you what this man's done from the moment he first married me.
- If he'd only come to me and told me... - Bianca, I did come to you...
Where are you two going?
- If you please, Your Honor... - Quiet! Let her tell this.
We started driving back, and we drove all night! All night!
So he hasn't had time to think it over.
- Poor Nick. - Sit down, Ellen.
Ellen, I'm the kind of a man who finishes what he starts.
I'm going back to the island, and I want you to come with me.
What do you say?
Thanks, Steve...
...but I haven't waited seven years just to give up in three days.
I think you're just being loyal, but I respect you for it.
- Steve, would you do something for me? - Anything.
- I know I shouldn't ask you... - What?
I've got to get him back. Will you help me?
How?
Just repeat that invitation in front of Nick.
I see.
What's that?
I'll have no violence in my courtroom.
Twenty-five dollars, and it was worth it.
And all I have to say to you is that as far as I'm concerned you're legally dead.
- If Your Honor please... - No...
- Well, Ellen, see you at the boat, 9:00. - What boat?
We're not interested in man-made laws, but there's a law of the jungle.
When a man finds his mate, he doesn't have to think it out.
- Goodbye, Eve. Until tomorrow. - Goodbye, Adam.
Just a moment!
And it's all right if you bring the kiddies.
Kiddies?
In all my experience on the bench, I have...
I'll have to study the brief. Then I'll render my decision.
- Yes. - Quiet.
- Despite his decision, I'm getting a divorce. - Quiet!
- If you think you're taking the kids... - Your nose.
- If you think you're gonna... - Hold your head back.
You had it coming to you. You know that, don't you? That's terrible.
If you think you can take the kids to a fever-ridden pesthole...
Well, what's your offer?
I thought you could take the kids to the mountain house until the gossip dies down.
Oh, you did?
And what are you going to do?
I thought I might go on one of those 60-day cruises...
...so I can think it out calmly, rationally.
And you might forgive me? ls that it?
- Well, no, it isn't that... - I'll think about it too, calmly and rationally.
Only it won't take me 60 days. I can do it in 60 minutes.
Hold your head back. Way back.
Now, there's a mess!
Never mind that!
I can't read a wet brief.
You know what?
- Where's that thing? - Gavel?
Court's adjourned!
Harvard man.
- Why don't you let me finish? - Sixty days...
- Goodbye, Phillip. - Goodbye, ma'am.
All aboard?
Don't forget the blankets if it gets cold.
- Goodbye! - Bye!
Hey, hey, hey! Whoa!
- What's the matter? - Wait a minute.
You can't drive that car. You haven't got a license.
Think I want you arrested, the kids picked up?
All right, I'll get Phillip to take us.
That won't be necessary.
Tim, get in the back. I'll drive you.
Where to?
To the mountains.
- The mountains? - Mountains.
Oh, of course.
Hi, Mr. Arden. Evening, ma'am.
- Good evening. - Hello!
I got that call. You'll find everything all right.
- I'm hungry! - We'll have dinner in a few minutes.
Will you be staying long?
No, Mr. Arden is going right back.
Going on another vacation?
That's right.
- Going to Yosemite Falls again? - No!
You don't have to get sore. I just asked you a question.
- Well, thanks very much, Nick. - That's all right.
Bye.
Goodbye.
It's gonna be dark going down on those hairpin turns.
But you're such a good driver.
I'm not worried about it.
I don't think there's much fog.
There isn't any.
Bye.
Bye. Oh, Ellen, I forgot...
Look, when are you gonna tell the children that you're their mother?
I don't know. It may be a little difficult.
After all, they've gotten along pretty well without me.
You could've made it easier, broken the ice. I don't know how they'll take it from me.
If you feel that way, I'll go and tell them now.
No, you can't do it like that.
Would it help if I wrote a letter?
That would be nice, yes.
"Enclosed, please find your mother."
No, this is my problem. I'll see how I get along with them.
If the right time comes, I'll know it, and if it doesn't, I'll know that too.
You don't want to give them a shock.
At their age, the mind is sensitive. We don't know what it's all about...
- ...when we're that young. - No, but we do when we grow up, don't we?
Sure. With maturity, the mind can stand anything.
Practically anything.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
If she's our mother, what's Daddy?
- Our father. - Are you sure?
Sure. What else could he be?
I don't know. Nobody ever tells me anything.
What are you two little monkeys talking about?
- Nothing. Nothing. - Nothing at all.
Oh, I love this place. I used to come up here all the time.
With our mother?
And your daddy.
- We used to have a lot of fun. - The three of you?
Well...
What do you want for dinner?
By the way...
...was our mother good-looking?
Well...
Most people thought...
That is, some people...
I don't know.
I just thought I'd ask. You see, we don't know very much about her.
Listen...
...suppose your mother didn't drown.
Suppose she came back.
- You mean, like a miracle? - Yes.
Suppose she were right here in this...
What would you do?
Look here.
You know, don't you?
Sure.
Well...
How do you do, Mother?
How do you do?
Well...
Don't you think...
...it's about time somebody...
...started kissing somebody?
Oh, darling.
How did you find out? Come on, tell me. Come on.
I had a flat.
- Daddy. - Hello, Dad.
I was going along, and:
- Come on, children, upstairs. - Why?
- You've got to mind me now. - I forgot.
Go wash up. I'll call you when dinner's ready.
Why don't you stay for dinner?
Yeah, then we can all try out mother's cooking.
You told them, huh? Oh, that's great!
- You know, I was wondering... - What about the spare tires?
No air in them.
- Do you wanna phone the garage? - Can't. The wires are down.
You see, there's been a landslide. The road is blocked.
Probably won't be able to use the phone until morning.
It's fixed.
- Hello? - Hello, Ellen?
I have some good news for you.
There was a call from Judge Bryson's office.
They said that Nicky's annulment has been filed...
...and that you've been declared legally alive...
...and you owe him $50.
You and Nicky are husband and wife again. You can just pick up where you left off.
Goodbye.
Who was that?
They just phoned to say...
...the road is open.
Well, it's no use. I'm out of gas.
You seem to be out of everything but ideas.
May I stay?
Yes, you can stay for dinner.
Thanks.
I always sleep well up here.
Let's see. I wonder where.
The children have their room, and our room becomes my room.
Looks like you draw the attic.
Attic?
It's perfect for thinking things out.
Mama.
Yes?
- What's the matter? - You were right.
It's perfect for thinking. No good for sleeping, though.
I'm sorry.
- You hungry? - No. Why? Are you?
No.
Thought maybe you were hungry.
No.
- Nice mattress, eh? - Yes.
The one upstairs is nothing like that.
All right.
Take it up with you.
Thanks.
That's very nice of you. Sorry to disturb you like this.
It wasn't very comfortable up there.
Thank you.
- Good night. - Good night.
Oh, Nick.
Put out the light, will you, please?
Oh, sure.
- What on earth? - Doesn't fit.
Is that all?
Hope I didn't frighten you. I didn't mean to.
You didn't frighten me.
Are you comfortable?
Very.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Oh, look, Ellen, what's the use? You know how I feel.
I could think about it till doomsday.
I'm stuck.
I don't care what happened, I don't care what people say.
I was always mad about you, and I always will be.
Does that help any?
Yes.
No. No, you better go on your cruise.
I'm not gonna stay away for 60 days.
Well, that's not so long. Let's see.
November, December, 23, 24...
It'll be about Christmas time.
You come back and talk to me about it then.
We'll have a lovely Christmas.
After all, what's 59 days more?
I think you're being very unreasonable.
And furthermore, I won't trouble you any more tonight.
Good night.
Oh, my. Oh, no.
Oh, Nick.
Merry Christmas.